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Hi there! Thanks for sticking around and checking in on me. You might be wondering why I’ve been so quiet and disappeared again from my YouTube channel. Today, I’m sharing a glimpse of my journey, with a more detailed story coming soon.
Lost, purposeless, and battling depression
For a while, I felt lost and without purpose. I used to think that making a certain amount of money would bring me happiness. My life revolved around securing a stable, decently-paid job and working remotely as a product designer.
But a few years ago, I found myself slipping into depression. I could barely muster the energy to open my eyes each day, doing just the bare minimum to get by. I felt empty, grey, and soulless inside, and I couldn’t pinpoint the cause. This state of mind lingered for nearly a year.
In an attempt to find joy, I allowed myself to surf and skate—activities I genuinely enjoy. Yet, the motivation for self-growth was still missing. I was merely living for my paychecks, feeling trapped by the comfort of receiving regular income. The idea of quitting scared me because I didn’t want to return to the financial struggles of my past. So, I kept going until I could no longer endure meetings or interactions with my colleagues.
It was then that I realized I needed to stop. Don’t get me wrong—my job was great. The people, the compensation, the work culture—everything was nearly perfect. That’s what made leaving so difficult.
But after giving my one-month notice, I woke up the next morning with the biggest smile on my face. I felt relieved and alive. It was time to rest.
Burning out... Again
Despite leaving my job, I convinced myself that I could continue my profession in a different way—by starting a coaching and educational business. I was excited about helping others and embracing entrepreneurship. I poured myself into my first-ever design book, spending 400 hours in a month to launch it. On top of that, I produced weekly videos, hosted webinars, and sent out newsletters. Even as I threw myself into these projects, I continued to wake up each day feeling lost and without purpose.
Solving others’ problems while ignoring my own
I reviewed fellow designers’ portfolios while neglecting my own. I was avoiding the painful process of working on my product design portfolio, choosing instead to focus on others’ work. I realized I was escaping my own challenges by solving other people’s problems. I believe that as an entrepreneur, I need to help myself first before I can truly help others.
Losing passion for digital product design
When new features for Figma were announced, I was struck by how little interest I had in them. I had no desire or motivation to discuss them. I realized I had lost my passion for digital product design—or maybe I was still burnt out from more than 10 years of nonstop work. Either way, I felt like a hypocrite preaching about “knowing your purpose” and “enjoying the journey” when I didn’t have a clear purpose myself.
I had convinced myself that creating an educational business was my path, but in reality, I was more in love with the idea of being a product designer than with the work itself. It gave me a sense of status and identity—something to hold onto.
But then I asked myself: What would I do if I had millions of dollars in the bank and didn’t have to work? The answer was always the same: I’d paint, create art, take photos, make videos, and so much more.
Rediscovering my true passion
As a child, I was always drawing—so much so that I sometimes got in trouble during class. I would gift my drawings to friends and even doodle on their gym uniforms.
During a recent meditation session, I had a vivid visualization. I was standing in a water cave that looked like it belonged in Katara’s water tribe, facing my inner child. She asked me why I had stopped drawing. I explained that I needed to make money, so I became a designer—something similar, but not the same.
Together, we revisited one of my most traumatic memories: the day my biological mother was taken to a mental hospital, and I didn’t see her for 20 years. On that day, I skipped school because I didn’t bring my art supplies. I had no clue what to do after skipping school, so I waited for my mom to show up. Then, I lost my memory. The next thing I remember is being at my uncle’s place, where my mom went mental because I had skipped school—or at least that’s what I took in as a memory. This led my unconscious mind to believe that it was my fault, and I watched helplessly as she was taken away in an ambulance.
This visualization made me realize that my entire life might have been a journey to find the art supplies I missed on that day I lost my mom. It was a profound and surreal moment, connecting my art journey to my deepest healing.
Embracing a new path
It’s now been a year since I quit my job, as of August 2024. After nearly 30 years, I’ve come to the realization that I want to pursue what I truly love. I still don’t know exactly how I’ll make a living from it, but I believe that I’m already on the path to making it happen.
What’s next for my YouTube channel?
I’m not entirely sure yet, but I do know that the topics I cover will definitely shift. You can expect potential discussions on art, life, slow living, the digital nomad lifestyle, surfing, design, and more.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I’ll be back with a video soon. Much love.
You can find me on Instagram
Brand: @wisdom.meaning
Personal: @kimchithecook
